After emailing on P-Day, I didn't feel very well. I was super
homesick and overly sad, and I didn't really know why. I took a little
quiz thing online that we are to take as missionaries that basically
checks where we are emotionally and our stress level.
And when I did that, I was in the red zone (that's bad). I didn't really
know I was stressed until I took the quiz. My companion looked over at
my screen and was all, "Uhhh...??? What?" I was kind of as surprised as
she was. But, when I really thought about
how I was feeling, I was in the red zone. I felt stressed, but I didn't
totally realize it.
We went home, and I only got worse. I don't know how. I just did. I
got super sad. Eventually, my companion pulled out a sheet that
describes what the symptoms of depression are. And, well. I matched
every single one of 'em.
I didn't really suppose it was real. I knew I got sad every now and
again, but I thought that being debilitated in your bed once a month
was just normal, right? Mmmm. I suppose not. I got progressively worse
as the day went on. Eventually to the point
that I couldn't even get up off the couch. Finally, my wise companion,
texted the mission president's wife, Sister Eaton. She explained what
was going on and asked for permission to stay in for the evening because
I was in no state to go out. I felt so bewildered
and confused about my state. And frustrated. And upset. What was
happening to me? Why? But I was just sad. So sad I couldn't really
move.
Eventually Sister Eaton asked me if I wanted to get a blessing. I
said sure, but honestly didn't have the strength to go anywhere to get
one. But, then, a few minutes later, Sister Eaton texted back and said
that her and President were coming over to give
me one. WHAT. I semi-freaked out and felt so embarrassed at how not-okay
I was.
President showed up with his wife and they were so kind. He didn't
ask me any questions. He just saw my violin case and told me to play. It
was kind of incredible, because leading up to that, I had my violin in
my hand the entire day on the couch, plucking
out hymns and trying to find comfort. The fact that he pointed at the
exact thing that was bringing me comfort all day was kind of miraculous
and totally inspired. I pulled it out and he sang while I played the
violin part to Savior Redeemer of My Soul. It
was kind of awesome. Then, he told me to feel no guilt, because I felt
guilty for not being able to work. He said, "Would this be any different
if you had gotten in a car accident and you couldn't walk?" He made a
point. And he repeated that I should feel no
guilt. The blessing he gave me was beautiful and comforting. I still
couldn't believe, though, that the mission president had come specially
to my apartment just to give me a blessing... He cares about his
missionaries, that is for darn sure.
Sister Eaton informed me that I had a doctor's appointment set for
Thursday. I just had to make it to Thursday.. but in the state I was in,
I did not do a very good job of that. I hardly got up in the morning. I
felt sick all the time and exhausted and
fatigued. I had no energy, no drive, and I lost all desire. I didn't
even know why I was even there anymore. And I didn't care. I just wanted
to feel better already. I had approached what felt like the ultimate
depths of despair and darkness with little hope
of climbing my way out. I just wanted to come home so I could be better.
I just wanted to be better. I couldn't work properly for a good,
solid, 3 days. I tried going to a few lessons, but I felt dead and
emotionless. It was miserable. Finally, my doctor
appointment came, and I cried in it and it was no fun, but I found the
help I needed.
Not doing missionary work on a mission is the hardest thing ever.
You feel so, so useless and bad. But, I had literally no energy to even
keep my eyes open. I'd try to get up for studies, and would make it to
the other room, but then fall asleep for the
2 hours studies went on. It was brutal. Depression is a real thing and
it is hard. And having it as a missionary? Absolutely impossible.
Slowly, but surely, I started to feel a little better. We took it
slow. I had an extremely patient companion that helped me through it
all. She was seriously sooo patient with me when I couldn't work. I am
glad she helped me get help, or I would have never
gotten it. We're slowly getting back into the normal schedule. I'm not
100% yet, but I'm not 0% anymore like I was. I am very proud of getting
up in the morning. I am proud I exercised today. I am proud I made it to
choir practice and the library. Little steps.
Trying not to run faster than I have strength.
I wanted to write you all this week and tell you about all the
amazing experiences I had, but this is real life. It was difficult. But,
what I learned is my absolutely, desperate need to rely on the Savior. I
cannot do this alone. Not even a little
bit. None of us can do this life alone, no matter our strength, no
matter our grit. In the end, our own devices will fail, and when they
do, to what source do we look for the strength we need to keep going
when we no longer have the strength? The Savior. That's
why He's there. He's there for this. And all trials, infirmities,
and hard days. I felt the redemptive powers of the Atonement during
Sacrament meeting yesterday as I took the bread and the water. I could
literally feel my spirit lifting and being
fed. It's not that I felt completely happy again or that my depression
was magically gone. But, I was being lifted and the burden of it all was
being lightened. My spirit was growing in strength. It was incredible. I
haven't felt as spiritually filled as I
had in this Sacrament meeting in a very long time.
This is a testament of the power of the Atonement. It literally
grabbed me from the jaws of hell and brought me back out. I feel
strength to keep going. I feel the enabling power of the Savior with me
every second. There's no other way I could ever have
gotten through it the way I did, along with the help of the doctor.
Reading Elder Holland's talk, "Like A Broken Vessel", helped a lot
this week. My comp happened to have a copy of it handy. That talk is
near and dear to me.
When I did finally get to go do a little missionary work (taking
lots of breaks in between so I wouldn't burst into tears or anything),
some great things did happen. Russell is a progressing investigator now
and came to church on Sunday. We prepped Randy
for his Baptismal interview and helped him decide who's going to Baptize
him. We are teaching another girl named Stormi and she has honestly
become one of our best friends. It's a testament that even if a
missionary is sick, the work will still go forth. Having
2 investigators at church (Russell and Randy) was so cool. So yeah,
Randy's Baptism is Saturday! Sister Loeak is coming back for it and
speaking at it, too. :)
I am so grateful for the support that I have been shown this week
while I struggled. Everyone rallied around me and helped as much as they
could. I know there have been so many prayers in my behalf and I could
not be more grateful. I so grateful to be
in a mission that is so caring and helpful. The members of the ward,
too, are so amazing. They noticed since I was unable to attend normal
meetings and lessons. The Bishop here is so great; him and his wife said
they prayed for me, too. I am grateful to be
in a church that lives up to their baptismal covenant to bear one
another's burdens so they may be light, mourn with those that mourn, and
comforts those in need of comfort (Mosiah 18). I have been the
recipient of all those things this week.
I am slowly returning to myself again. I'm getting better each and
every hour. I will eventually be back in full swing, too. Like I said, I
got up this morning! Awesome! I have been sufficiently humbled this
week. I will now more fully rely on the Lord
and not my own strength. I know understand and know that missions are
hard and I shouldn't think otherwise (I thought perhaps that I'd be able
to beat the "hard" part of my mission because I'm "old" and "so
experienced.". Pffft). It's hard, yes, but it is also
the best thing for my life. My wise younger sister, Elizabeth, when I
told her I almost went home said to me that a mission is the best place
for me to learn all these hard lessons (like dealing with depression)
and I asked her why she thought that and she
wisely responded, "...You
get to learn how to deal with it under the best and worst circumstances.
Probably no other time in your life will be as trying as a mission and
if you can deal with it now, you're golden.
And as a missionary you're living so in line with Heavenly Father and
Jesus Christ that you're who you need to be to get the administration
from them that'll best help you."
She is so right. I don't know about other 20-year-olds, but Elizabeth wins the prize for wiser beyond her years. Seriously.
Here's to a new week,
full of dependence on the Savior. I can do this. He's definitely going
to be carrying me through the entire thing.
Thank you for all the
support. I hope this didn't bring you sadness for me, for that's not
what I intended. Know that in this moment, I am okay and am on the up. I
will be okay. I am going to stick this out
to the end. Cause, when my mind is able to actually work properly, I am a
pretty determined person. My motto, after all, is "fall down 10x, get
up 11." I might fall a lot more, but at least when I got up this time, I
let someone help me up and I took a hand
to stand again. Getting help is hard when you're prideful, but this
time, I'm glad I got help.
The Savior is there for everything! He lives and He's there to help you, too.
Love you all,
Sister Eldridge
ps: SO COOL THAT WE HAVE A BAPTISM ON SATURDAY! GO RANDY! Also, he just turned 76. Hee hee.
Sister Juliann Marie Eldridge
Washington Federal Way Mission
23175 224th PI SE Ste E
Maple Valley, WA 98038
United States
Washington Federal Way Mission
23175 224th PI SE Ste E
Maple Valley, WA 98038
United States
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